I Hate My Life

-Bianca is really pissed off. she is pissed off at the fact that here current past due for Rent is $1500usd. She is also pissed off at me, for not being able to get a job yet. I send out 3-5 resumes a week. Most companies say: we will let you know in 1-2 weeks. Thant Sucks! Most dont even let you know either way. Thats even worse.
-I also told her, that I had a interview for tomorrow (05/07/2008 ) for a Photography job. It was for taking photos of properties that are up forsale, so they can post them in there magazines, web pages and news papers. She got Pissed, because I told her this. She said: “I dont really want to know. Ok?”.
-WOW. When she said that to me, it really took the wind out of my sails.
-I would have told that to her, but then I would have spent the next 20 minutes explaining what it ment. then she would have gotten even more pissed off at me.
-I am still unemployed and have no monies. I am feeling depressed.
-
-My Life Sucks !!

My Idea for Natonal Health Care.
These are my Ideas for a national health care system for the USA. they are not in any particular order, nor are they complete. Any ideas are welcome.

It would be called:

National Health & Medical Association. NHMA.

-ID card required; credit card size; 16 digits; name, photo, PIN (8 digits).
-NHMA Database: online accessable.
-All patients files stored electronically.
-accessable and updateable by patients.
-account login required.
-updates only occur after verification.

-Current Health & Medical Insurance companies will become a part of NHMA, for the processing of paperwork for the health & medical providers.
-medical, dental, optical, surgical, perscriptions,

-10% of ALL Gross Income to be paid to NHMA.
-regardless of Tax Status. If you have an Income, You Pay!!
-Individuals, Comapnies, Non-Profit, Churchs, governmental Agencys, Welfare, Unemployed,
-EVERYONE!!!!

-Benefits: Every USA citizen is covered at No Charge!
-If not a USA citizen ???
-Perscriptions: a copay of $1 for 1 time perscription, to a 30 day supply. then $1 for each additional 30 day supply.

-cost of each medical, dental, optical, … is set at a fixed rate through out the country. what one doctor bills NHMA for, in california; is the same as the doctor in idaho bills NHMA.
-Glasses:
-Lens; covered 100%.
-frames: 100% to a maximum of $125.00

-Wow, talk about getting my ass chewed about what I said in the email I sent her on 04/23.
-She almost completely misunderstood what I was trying to say to her.
-She got Really upset about this part of the email:
—–
“Any other guy, would have chewed you a new asshole, and probably would have left you for pawning your engagement ring. but me, I was understanding of you and for the reasons that you pawned the ring. any other guy, would have been mad as hell, and yelled at you. but, I did not.”
—–
-She thought that because I mentioned the pawning of her ring; I was mad at her for doing so. I was not mad at her. I told her, that I was telling her, how understanding and caring I am. And by example, how most other guys, would have reacted to her pawning her engagment ring. I had to keep restating this to her many times throughout our conversation.
-She even went so far as to threaten to return her engagment ring to me.
-Later that evening, I reread the email I sent her, looking at it from her point of view.
-Wow: I forgot the biggest thing when writing with examples; I forgot to look at it from another point of view. The way I had writen it, was straight and to the point, as how I wrote it, and how I ment it to be understood. But, also, it was straight and to the point, from the way Bianca interpreted the email. Thank SUCKS! I forgot that coins have 2 sides to them. And I did not stop and reread the email from other points of view.
-So, the ass chewing was my own stupid fault.
-I almost lost her, because of not reading my email from another point of view.

-I Love her and the kids so very much. I don’t know what I would do without them.

-Honestly, I do know what I will do, if I loose them.
-Sinucigaş

-Here is the email I sent Bianca on 04/23.
-I was upset with her, for being online and not chatting (talking) with me. even though, she was signed on to yahoo, but she was in invisibile mode.
.
——————————–
Hi Bianca.

Why is it that you did not want to chat(talk) with me today (Wednesday)?
I am confused.
I would like to know why you did not want to talk with me.

Please dont keep me in the dark. I am not a mind reader; so I dont know why you are upset with me.
you have been becoming distant from me, for the past month. Why?
You seem to be avoiding me. Why?
You hide in “Member Chat” so I cant see you. when i give you compliments about how lovely you look, you say nothing.

Are you pushing me away? Is it because you are moving to the UK, that you are pushing me away from you?

You seem like you are hiding something from me.
you seem like you want to tell me something, but are affraid to tell me. you know, I do not get mad. hell, I dont think you have ever made me upset.
Any other guy, would have chewed you a new asshole, and probably would have left for pawning your engagement ring. but me, I was understanding of you and for the reasons that you pawned the ring. any other guy, would have been mad as hell, and yelled at you. but, I did not.

Have you found someone else?
Is it that you want to end our relationship? I dont want to end it, I want to spend the rest of our lives togather. I want to see our kids grow up, and to someday see our grand kids.
I have committed myself to you: heart, body and soul.
maybe I am scareing you away, because I am so committed to you; is that the reason you are pushing me out of your life?
Bianca: I am in this relationship with you and the kids, for the long haul, for a life time.
-as they say in the Wedding vows: .. in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part … I have giving myself to you and the kids.

Please help me to understand.

I Love You Bianca.

Love,
Mike

PS> maybe some of what I said is from my insecurity. but, part of it is from your actions and lack of actions on your part. Honestly, you can be confussing to me at times.
But, I Love You and the kids so very very much.

———————————–
As you can see I am an insecure guy.
I did chat with her on the 24th; what happened during that chat is for another post.

-I went to my local Town of Salina office, and filled out an application and turned in my resume. I applied for any positions that I am qualified for.
-When I talked with the woman at the front desk: I told her, here is my resume for any type of maintenance positions. I also told her, that I had a Class “A” Tractor Trailer License; her eyes perked up as though they were looking for a Class “A” Driver. Which is good for me.
-She handed me an application to fill out, and I did so. I asked for a Business Card, but they did not have any. So, she wrote 2 peoples names and telephone numbers on a piece of paper for me.
-I then asked her: when could I expect to hear from someone? She said about 1-2 weeks. I figure about 2 weeks; that will give them time to review my resume and see if I qualify for any positions; even a Tractor Trailer Driver for the Town would be nice.
-The Town has awesome benefits.
-I hope that this job turns out to be a Winner.

I called Brinks Armored Transport today (04/21). The people that I needed to talk to about my Rejection letter, and the reasons why I was rejected, were not in the office today. One, is out sick, and the other is out of town for the day. Both should be back tomorrow. Such is life, and I will see what tomorrow brings.

-I finally, got a notice in the mail today (4/19) from Brinks Armored Transport today.
They said:
“Thank you for your interest in employment with Brink’s. At this time, we have decided not to make an offer of employment.”
-What sucks, is that they tell me no reason as to why they are not offering me employment.
what, are they affraid of some type of liability lawsuit?
-what ever happened in telling the truth. all companies do, is CYA (Covering their own asses); so all they tell you is general bull shit, politically correct answers, that cant be used against them in a lawsuit. never mind, that telling the potential employee, what the real reason(s) is(are): so he/she could correct the problems for their denial, and apply for the same job again, or for another company that might reject them for the same reason(s).
-But, I have to give them credit, for mailing me a rejection letter. most companies, dont even give you the time of day, once they decide they are not interested in you.
-I will call them on monday (4/21), to see if I can worm the reason(s) why they rejected me out of them. I could guess that it might be: that i quit my last job; that I did not pass the “Honesty” test; that I declared Chapter 7 Bankruptcy in 2006, or someother unknown reason(s). but, I will hopefully, find out more information on this on monday.

I called Bianca today: 1100hrs edt. She was in good spirits today. The girls were very loud and excited about something; I could hear them in the background.
-I told her that I mailed her Bobi’s birthday card and a card for her. She asked what kind of card? I told her, that it is a surprise (Big Grins). She does not like surprises: she can be very impatient. One of the cards is our annyiversary card, and the other 2 cards for her are “I Love You” cards from Hallmark cards. I hope she likes them and gets the meaning of the “I Love You” cards, besides the obvious meanings of I Love You. Both of them have a deeper meaning in the words written, beyond the I Love You. She told me that I should have saved my monies. (Sticking tongue out at her for that). I told her that I was a Sentimentalist. But, I dont think she understands the meaning of the word; and I did not try to explain it to her either.
-We talked about her moving to the UK. She kept explaining why she was going, in many different ways; but the reason behind the reasons were clear, and completely understandable. She was moving to the UK, to get a higher paying job(s) to support her family and kids. Which, is completely understandable. I feel so ashamed that I am unemployed and unable to help support my family (Bianca, the kids and mother and grand mother). As she was explaining all of the “wy’s” and “what not’s” for her moving to the UK; one thing stood out (besides the reason stated earlier): it was the fact that all of her referances were of her, the kids, or her mother and grand mother. Their was no mention of me being a part of this family. (Very Sad expression on my face). I never got a chance to ask her about me being included in this family situation, because the kids were Really Really acting up in the background; so she had to leave and take care of the kids. I know I am a part of this family, its that she always referances things as if I was not a part of it. Maybe she is trying to tell me something??
-We talked about her mother, grand mother and the kids moving to a new apartment, before she moves to the UK. She said she is looking for another apartment, one that is preferably less than 350 euros per month. She will be leaving her cell fon with her mother, when she moves to the UK. Which is GOOD, I will then have an Emergency contact number. (Big Smiles).
She will give me her new UK cell fon number, once she get a new UK cell fon. One good thing about her going to the UK is: is that call her now, will cost me only 1/3 of what it costs me to call her now.
-She still has not gotten the address and fon number from her friend, which is where she will be staying. She likes to procrastinate so much sometimes. I told her, that I will need this information to keep my Life Insurance up to date, just in case something happens to me and they need to get ahold of you(her). She thought I ment that I was getting insurance for her. and she told me not to worry, that I (she) will be alright. I would love to get insurance for her, if i could. She can be so independent sometimes, that it can be annoying.
-I guess, what I want from her, is reassurance that she Loves me, and will not find someone special while she is in the UK. A “Dear John” letter from her, would REALLY SUCK!
-I wish I was not so insecure. being insecure, is so F**K’n sh*tty. It makes me second guess almost everything in our relationship. (Whhaaaaa!!!). But, I have learned to reconize it most of the time, as it sneeks into my thoughts.
-I told her about the Brinks job. And that it was 3 weeks as of today, that they began my background investigation. And they (brinks) said that it would take about 3-4 weeks to complete. she had very little to say. I told her her, that a normal work week would be 50-55 hours. and still she had very little to say. Sometimes, I cant figure her out. (Sigh).

I am getting so so tired of my shitty life.
I had a nice chat with Bianca today. We talked about a few things. Well, mostly I talked and she did not answer most of the questions I asked. I told her some very nice compliments on how she looked. she did not say anything, no even a Thank You.
I guess I am doing something wrong.
I told her about the job at Brinks, and she asked me what that was. I had told her before, but I guess she did not remember. So I explained to her again: this time I told her that I would be wearing Body Armor; that did not even raise an eyebrow with her. So, I said no more about the Brinks job.
I did find out, that she is leaving for the UK on the 16th of June 2008.
Nice of her to tell me.
I also found out (from a little bird) that she has her ticket too, but she would not admit to it.
Also, (from a little bird) I found out that she got a new web cam, she did not tell me about that either. The video quality is Great, so I can only guess, that this new web cam is over $500usd.
This is from a woman that is over $1000 usd behind in her bills. she goes and buys a new expensive video cam; not just a web cam quality, but Video Cam Quality.
I get so tired of her keeping everything to herself: bearing the burden of all things. I told her, that telling me helps ease the burdens of life. and we can share the problems togather. What she tells me is “is Ok no worries”.
I get So Frustrated with her about this.
I am trying so hard to be a part of this family, I dont know what to do to help things. She puts up a wall and I dont know how to help us take the wall down togather. I know she puts up the wall, to protect herself from being hurt again, like her ex-husband did.
I am nothing like her ex-husband. I would not even think about hurting a hair on her head, or the kids heads: I would give my Life to protect them.
I Love the 4 of them Beyond words can describe.

Somedays, I get so tired of my life. It sucks. I am really tired of being a Looser. I am so lonely for someone to love, and to love me back. seeing other people, interacting with there special someone, is a wonderful sight to behold. But, it makes me so sad. Because I dont have someone to hold in my arms, to cuddle with, to kiss good (morning, night), to give them an “I Love You” kiss, to hug & and; hold them in my arms, and other things that couples due.
I do have my very special someone, but she is overseas with the kids, and it will be probably atleast 2 years before I get to see them again. It will be 3 years this May, since I have seen them last. I see them once in awhile on the web cam; but that pales in comparison to seeing Bianca and the kids live and in person.

I am still without a job. I have been unemployed since Janurary 2008. I will run completely out of money as of this Sunday (13th). If I dont find a job soon, I have no idea, as to how I will pay my bills. Sometime in May, the USA government will be mailing out, some type of refund type checks to every US citizen, that filed taxes this year. If I dont have a job by them, it will be the only monies that I will be getting anytime soon.

So far, the Brinks job and the Syron job, are still up in the air: just waiting to hear either way with these 2 jobs. Syron is my prefered job at $17 per hour, and the Brinks job, is my backup job, paying $10 per hour. but, the Brinks job is 55 hours per week; so lots of overtime pay. With the Brinks job, I get to buy my own Body Armour: because of the very high probability of being shot at.
I dont have much to loose, so the risk is acceptable to me.
I know, you are thinking, I have Bianca and the kids to worry about me and to have concerns for my safety. but, I dont know how the long hours and her moving to the UK for work, will help make things any easier for the both of us. Its hard enough to get her to express herself, let alone, write actual letters. But, I will do my best, just like I have always done.
Sometimes, I just want to give up on having a relationship with her.

I finally got a notification from North East BioFuels. It was a very nice rejection letter.
Say the same old form rejection letter: stating that their was someone more qualified than myself, and that they would keep my resume on file, for future job openings.

Atleast I got a letter from them, unlike most companies, which send nothing, and keep you hanging.

I am feeling depressed again. but, what else is new. I dont know sometimes about where my life is going. But, I do have some hope.
Bianca and the kids are my hope. but, I dont know about her now; she has never been one to express her feelings, because of what her ex-husband did to her. Awful things he did to her. So, it is hard, and has been hard for me to get her to express herself emotionally to me. She loves me, but it would be reassuring to me, if she did express herself to me even in the smallest way. My insecurity does not help these matters either. She trys to understand what my insecurities are like, just like I try to understand her coldness, and her inability to express herself emotionally. On a funny note, I am very expressive emotionally. She thinks its funny; especially, when I said to her “I am emotionally expressive enough for the both of us”. She knows that it is hard for me to not have her express herself emotionally to me. And she feels uncomfortable talking about this. I try and understand, but it is hard. She has explained to me in varying degrees of detail as to what her ex-husband did to her. I understand what she has told me, but, their are so many unanswered questions I have for her. she ignores these questions 99.99% of the time, and when I push the subject (question), she gets defensive.
The last thing I want to do, is to loose her, because I am pushing too hard to understand her and why she is the way she is. My curiosity is HUGH. and I think, that might be part of the problem. My curiosity has gotten me into trouble before. but, I like to understand things as much as i can; to the point where my curiosity is satisfied, or I get to the point, where it is beyond my understanding of the subject. Example: Quatum Physics. But, also, I have great caring and love for her and the kids: all i want to do is help in the best way that i can. I dont know, its hard to put into words, what you dont understand. but, i will do my very best.
I Love the 4 of them so very very much. I dont want to loose them, because I am trying to hard.

I went to my Unemployment Hearing on April 1st: I just got my court decision today (April 2nd) that I was still Denied Unemployment Benefits.

WARNING: If you are thinking about quitting your job, and relying on unemployment benefits to carry you though till you find a new job. You are Seriously Mistaken; Unemployment does Not Pay, if you quit your job, for no valid reason, in the State of New York. Even almost rolling over my tractor trailer and nearly killing a family in a mini-van is not a valid reason in the eyes of the NY Courts.

I called Bianca today (1st). We talked about a lot of things. Mainly we talked about her going to the UK, and the problems, experiances, situations, that she would encounter during her time in the UK. For some reason, she thought I was trying to change her mind, into not going to the UK. I was not. I just wanted to make sure she fully understood what she was getting into.
And that I will be worring about her and for her safety.

One of the other things we talked about, was me quitting my job.
Our fon calls before now, were short and one or both of us, were interupted, so we had to make the calls short.
She was not pleased, to say the least about me quitting my job.
She chewed my ass really good too. but, that is understandable. Also, she did not chew my ass as much as I thought she would. And Far less than what I desirved to have my ass chewed.
I guess that in some ways, that is good, and in other ways, that is not so good.
Honestly, I expect to hear more about quitting my job, for a short time atleast, probably longer.

I talked more with Bianca today, about her moving to the UK.
I asked her how long she is going to be there: tried to pin her down to a certain time frame or a specific set of situation(s). she said, that she will come back, when she has saved 50,000 euros. That approximetly $75,000 usd. WOW WOW WOW. I tried to explain to her, that is a hugh sum of monies to save. she said; yeah I know.

I did not tell her this: that trying to save $75,000 usd in 3 years would be $25,000 per year. which would be at a net pay rate of $12.50 per hour, or $18.75 per hour gross. that is just how much she would have to earn, just make the $25,000 per year in savings Alone. not including the costs of: rent, utilities, food, clothes, and living expences; anything else would be more dollars.
I dont think she truely comprehends just how long and hard it is going to be to save $75,000 usd.
We talked about other things also: I said that you (she) would be living like a Hermit. I had to explain to her what a hermit was. She finally understood, what I ment. She was a little amused.
I just have to get her to start writing me: emails, letters, IM’s, and text messages, more than what she is writing now.

I told her, that I would be worrying about her. And that I would be worrying about her health and safety.

I did not bring this up either: that she may not be seeing her kids for a long time.

I just found out today, that Bianca is moving to the UK for work; because work in Romania, is nearly non-existent.
She said she is going to be there for a year or so. She is staying with a friend of hers and her husband.
Bianca told her kids, mother and grand mother over a month ago. Whaaa! why did she wait so long to tell me.
Note: hense forth “Family” will refer to: Biancas kids, her mother and grand mother.
Her friend, is someone, that she worked with in Romania, and she moved to the UK about a year ago. Bianca is not sure exactly what she will be doing for work, once she gets to the UK. She is not sure, if she is going to bring her laptop computer with her to the UK. She said, that she will buy a new cell fon, once she gets to the UK. I wonder how long she will have her cell fon, before she sends me her UK cell fon number. Grrrrr! She has never been one to write letters, or emails. She only prefered fon calls, or IM’s.
I did not try and convince her not to go, because I understand the need for monies to support herself and the family.
I guess my insecurity is starting to show its ugly head concerning this matter.
I get the strong feeling, once she leaves, within a few months, I will be getting a ” Dear John” letter from her (figurative speaking).
But, such is life; and shit happens.
I do love her: with all of my heart, body and soul, I Love Her.